--- In Let-This-Happen-To-You@yahoogroups.com
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To FART...or NOT TO...FART...
THAT is NOT the question !!!!
My First Wife, Geraldine (Gerrie)...
Geraldine Lynn Butler BOSTICK SMITH ECKERT INGRAHAM....(something)..
and no telling WHAT other names she has aquired since
we last spoke or you know wad....
never ever never never...FARTED ....
We starting F-RICK-ING around and
around and
around and
around and
around and
around and
around annnDUHHHH....
(WE !!!
GET !!!
IT !!!!
YOU !!!!
ASSHOLE !!!!
YOU F-RICK-ED !!!
AROUND !!!
YOU !!!!!!!!
DUMBASS !!!!!!!)
Oh yeah, that's riot.
Thanks for reminding me.
WE.... F-RICK-ED around, yeah.
Gerrie and I started F-RICK-ING around
when she was in the NINTH grade and
I was in the 10th Grade
in this Ninth Grade Math class at Treadwell High School
in Memphis, Tennessee....
in 1968 or something...
and she was really (REALLY) full of
a lot of shit for about 14 years there.
Never farted you know.
Can you IMAGINE what something LIKE THAT must be LIKE ?
Oh, my GOD !!!
I guess the girl just couldn't help herself...
or as they say in Memphis...I guess the girl jus' cuddent HAP
herSAF...
but GOD is in every plan any way.
All those 14 years, and OH WERE they LONnnnng ones.....
whenever I DID CUT ONE.......or anyone ELSE DID for that matter....
she made US and anyone in the general vicinity of
maybe a hundred miles or so pay for it.
Gerrie had her very own Special SPECIAL
THOU SHALT NOT FART lecture
that even the FIRST TIME I heard it....made me want to throw
SOMEBODY off a cliff.....her.
ANYTIME I heard that lecture, it was ALWAYS
like the VERY FIRST TIME, somehow... a brand new
BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH
BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH ....BITCH !!!!!...(WHOAH!!!) ...BITCH !!!!!!!!
It is kinnnDUHHH hard to X-plain....
just take my weird for it.
I AM still not USED TO IT.
It didn't all start with ME though.
Her Mother, Neva Lois BOSTICK had Gerrie when she herself was in her
Late-40's,
so you KNOW by the time Gerrie
started to pay attention to things in life,
she herself had been GASSED UP a great number
of times herself, so you can only imagine, what with her Mom being
over six-feet
tall, and outweighed even me.
How many TIMES I heard her screammm..
"I'VE GOT THE MONEY !!!!!
AND I'VE GOT THE POWER !!!!!"
OhMyGOD !!!!
Crazy thing WAS though...
that Gerrie not only BELEIVED that her own Mother
was grossly physically disturbed and abberated..
but that everyone else in the universe that LET ONE GO
was as F-RICK-ED up as well..and suddenly I was the NEXT "IT".
I guess at the time she HAD TO BE the only one in the universe
to be so GIFETD BY GOD to be out of gas all the time.
SO, for 14 years, it was just easier and quiter to say the least to
just stay out of doors a lot after certain meals and parties.
Yeah, I had FARTED the very first hour we met...
so...Uh-oh !, Oh, NO !!!, Oooops !!!!!
Guess I should have know from the START
that our kids would be very very very
SPECIAL...if you know wad I mean, I mean.
Know wad I mean?
I'd do almost anything (almost)
to anybody (almost) for a nut nut.
(WHO's !!!!
THERE ?!?!?!?)
Awwww....SHUT UP !!!!!
Her lecure...(are you ready).....
got better and better each time she delivered it.
I mean I mean.....she PRESENTED it better and better
with each delivery, I just wish I wasn't her MAIN AUDIENCE..
all those years.
.....Here goes...
This is what I got everytimne I TOOTED or BLEW MY BACKHORN...
"I HATE THAT !!! You and MOTHER, and JUST ABOUT
EVERYONE ELSE..DOES THAT !!!
WHAT's WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU ???
WHY ME, LORD ???
I'd BE IN THE GROCERY STORE WITH MOTHER
AND SHE'D...SHE'D......SHE WOULD......DO THAT !!!
I'D HAVE TO LEAVE THE BUILDING
AND GO SIT IN THE CAR....OR....
IF IT WERE A BIG BUILDING AND SAFE..
I COULD GO TO ANOTHER AREA...
ANOTHER PART OF THE STORE !!!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU??????"
Yeah, I have THAT memorized.
I can do it in NINE languages too.
One weekend in our very FIRST apartment in St. Louis,
we were in bed most of the day that Sunday...
because we had been in bed awake all through the night before...
annnDUHHH...well..You Know.
My recovery periods involved long hours of
my reading aloud to her from current popular books.
It was preparing me for my eventual careeer in FM Radio, my plan.
I'll read (almost) anything aloud to anyopne
whether they can hear or not.
During this one reading, all of a sudden there
was the worst stench you could imagine.
You not only could SMELL it..
You could feeeeeeeel it...
You could ALMOST TASTE it.
I was hoping that she had finally...finally....
you know...GROWN UP
But.....
I was afraid to look up at first.
Just kept on reading.
I could feeeeel her glare....
I finally DID look UP...then slowy over and there were
THOSE EYES....
I began reading really (REALLY) fast before the lecture came.
The smell EVENTUALLY went away.
Minutes later like a bad dream or Mother In Law...
there it was again...only worst....
OhMyGod !!!!
FELT worst too....didn't taste any better either.
The same whole routine was repeated...the glare,
my final look to ...to.....to what?
Maybe I AM a masochist...or was.
I resumed reading.
The air thinned well...eventually.
And then again...WOW...we went through it all over again.
Now...I won't drag you throuh it all
over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over
and over....if you know wad I mean.
(DO !!!
YOU !!!!!!!
REALLL Y !!!!!!
MEAN !!!!
THAT !!!!)
R
I TOLD YOU...Bette DAVIS...that I ONLY LIE.....
to my MOTHER !!!!
SHUT UP !!!!!
GOD, these DEAD WOMEN...they just KILL ME !!!
Anyway....I knew I wasn't farting.
I wasn't so sure about Gerrie.
Something was destroying our marriage, and lives.
I jumped out of bed and went over to where
MONTY...our pet pooch was laying.
I knew it wasn't ME...
FART-TING
TING
TING
TING
TING
TING....NO !!!!
THAT SMELL would have probably killed anyting human.
I mean...SOMETHING human.
Once again after the air had cleared, Gerrie joined me there.
We just STOOD THERE...looking at him.
Even bent over to get a close look...
and just kept watching him for what seeeeeeemed
to BE the longest time....forever almost.
And he was a totally black dog.
His eyes were black as coal too.
His eyes rolled from me to Gerrie...
back and forth...
and back and forth
over and over
and over and over.
All you could see really (REALLY) was the whites of his eyes
as they seemed to sprakle almost from time to time
as he looked from one of us to the other...
and he had this look about him that seemed to say...
"WHAT THE F-RICK...are you CRAZY?"
We waited LONG ENOUGH to where the BOMB came back....
you sure FELT and TASTED that one too.
Wierd thing about it all...
you would have THOUGHT that after all THAT...
MONTY would have moved his leg...lifted it sorta..
I mean...sometime I DO THAT even.
But he made no effort AT ALL.
Didn't move anything AT ALL...
but that constant motion of his eyes.
Freaked me out the door.
"HONEY",...I said...
"I KNEW it wasn't ME !!!"
We just put him out...
then went to a movie.....he lived to be 16 years old,
and may have been one of the reason the marriage...
No...couldn't have been.
Oh, please LORD, don't let me start thinking THAT SHIT !!!
Anyway....that's not the last
of my report about
POISONED GASES
BIOLOGICAL WARFARE
on the homefront.
I AM jussst beginning.
On August 12th, 1973....
OUR daughter was born.
I can think of a better word for it, but....
(THAT'S !!!!
RIGHT !!!! !!!!
YOU !!!!
KEEP !!!!!!
IT !!!!!
CLEAN !!!!!)
Awwwww...SHOOT ME !!!!!
Wellllll....
there were three of us Milatary married couples that ran together
after work, we were all best friends and everything.
The next day, four of us were visiting Gerrie
in the Cabell Huntington Hospital here, after she started waking UP
and coming BACK INTO OUR WORLD..
if you know wad I mean.
Know wad I mean?
There was me, then Petty Officer Third Class Engineman Steven Allen
BAILEY....
His wife DEBBIE...
Then First Class Petty Officer Michael BALL.
That's weird....putting the words FIRST CLASS petty (?)annnDUHHH
Petty Officer together..oh, well..
We were all standing around Gerrie's bed.
Then all of a sudden it started ALL OVER AGAIN.
I knew Monty was still at home and it wasn't HIM.
And it would take a F-RICK-ING Miracle for Gerrie to grow up.
I KNEW it wasn't ME.
I wasn't so SURE about Steve, Debbie and Mike.
Someone was BAD ASSED.
And all of us were doing the same thing, looking
from one to the other, trying to read each other's minds
to read quilt...which never manifested in our facial Xpressions.
Like magic, in unison we all looked at Gerrie...
and she was red as a beat, and
she wouldn't meet our eyes...
so we KNEW instantly that it was her.
That BITCH !!
BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH
BITCH BITCH BBITCH BITCH BITCH !!!
WHOAH !!! (BITCH )
I don't know why it is always ME...
But...Steve, Debbie and Mike look at me
like I was responsible for it all..
and I guess great minds and judges would say I was
since it ALL STARTED with me and Busch Beer one
lonely horney night in St. Louis nine months earlier.
SO, I do my Superman think.....that's a "K" there on purpose.
I AM ready to leap any tall building at a single bound...
I AM ready to become faster than a speeding bullit...
I AM ready to become faster than an Locomotive...
(YOU !!!
ALWAYS !!!!!!
HAVE !!!!!!
TO !!!
THROW !!!!!
THAT !!!!!!!!!!!!
SHIT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IN !!!!!!!!!!!
STOP !!!!!!!!
BRAINWASHING !!!!!!!!!!
US !!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
HEY !
I AM getting to the good part !!!!
So, JUST like the Bible says.......
(OH !!!
SHIT !!!!
HERE !!!
HE !!!!
GOES !!!!
AGAIN !!!!)
Just LIKE the Bible says..
"When you don't know what to say...
and you don't know what to DO...
I will speak FOR you and I will work THROUGH you."
So........I didn't know what to say or do).....then..
I just say......."I think I'll get a coke !!!"
I turned immediately and left.
I could hear them behind me...
First Debbie...
"I think I will join you."
Then Steve....."Me too !!!"
Mike was last for some reason.
Maybe he wasn't so first class at all
or perhaps he LIKED IT in there.
I dunno.
Some people think their farts and other's are perfume.
(MINE IS)
Finally I heard Mike say..
"Yeah, I could use a drink right now."
So we barely made it to the lounge and was gone a real
long time, mostly because it took a good while,
as you can imagine..
for me to tell them the entire story that
you have just been reading..but with much
more feeeeeling as I had a LIVE AUDIENCE....
and GOD...can you imagine what something LIKE THAT
must be LIKE?
I just LOVE hearing the SOUND of my OWN VOICE !!!!
So eventually we did go back to the room
and it took a lot of work on my part to talk the others
into it, as they weren't nmarried to her and had
all the rights in the world to seek asylum.
But we did go back, and of course I had to
enter first like always.
I stuck (ONLY) my head in the door,
sniffed the air real good a few times,
put on my best "IS IT SAFE" X-pression....
screwed my face up about 100 different ways just to torture her....
then entered.
I AM the greatest actor..annnDUHHH
the world's Greatest DIRECTOR of all times...
so I had directed Steve, Debbie and Mike to enter
one at a time....and repeat my entrance to the best
of their ability and they were academy award material too.
All standing there in our original positions, all eyes
on me....I finally said..."OK".
They then all looked at GERRIE.
I had warned them that she might just be a redder RED than before
but I was worng.
She had turned a deep PURPLISH-BLUE.
Then, it was Gerrie's turn to...
do the MONTY EYE ROLL...
as it was hard for her to look any of us in the eyes.
Eyes back and forth
and back and forth
and back and forth
and back and forth.....and,.... well...you know.
I guess she finally started getting dizzy for she at last
looked me straight in the eyes.
Why is it ALWAYS ME, LORD ?????
She looked JUST LIKE Monty...
that look that seemed to say...
"WAD the F-RICK...are you CRAZY???"
Well, that's it for this Story.
I don't remember much else really (REALLY).
We never had any more children.
It was many many years before any of the other couples
there had their FIRST one, and they only had one.
All other coupled friends I have known all these years since
remain childless still.
May just have told this story too many times.
But like the Bible says..
"God is in EVERY PLAN...
Nothing happens that He doesn't allow"
FWD this on to everyone and maybe
we can solve the over-population problem.
The end of this story isn't written yet yet
Hasn't HAPPENED yet yet I mean I mean.
Keep your chin(s) UP !
KEEP your nasal passages clear.....
Remember Coke !!!
It's the Real THING.
--- End forwarded message ---
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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